I've had few challenges in my recent life like this one. Being optimistic and subtly upbeat is my nature. What I'm discovering here in my mother's home is everything but an atmosphere that would allow for that.
Before coming to NY my mother and I talked about my "moving back home" and how helpful it could be to both her and my sister. My sister's been my mother's companion and errand boy for a number of years and now wants to shift gears. So I headed to New York City. It was hard leaving the California I love, so to make sure this wasn't about sacrifice and that it would be a valuable experience, I invented a context for the move, "I love my New York life." It would keep me focused on the good, while supporting Mom, a feisty, witty and defiant woman who I've known to be challenging. I was willing to be her butler, housekeeper, cook, and companion, as long as I too was nurtured and had a refuge, a haven, an apartment to return to at the end of the day!
Mom has forgotten that I came to NY to be helpful. There are ways her responsibilities could be done more easily, even more pleasurably, but it's her way or the highway. What I often hear is, "I don't need your help!" I'm her 12 year old daughter again, being told what to do, being interrupted when I attempt to speak, and hearing, "No!" so often that my spirit is broken and those brief moments of, "I love my NY life" are quickly squashed. And I haven't yet found my haven where I can regenerate and start afresh the next day.
I've heard it said, "When you commit to something, everything in the way of realizing that commitment will rear its ugly head." A lot has been rearing its ugly head recently! Thank goodness for the context for my NY experience, it keeps me sane and asking, "How can I love my NY life despite the circumstances?"
