On Wednesday evenings I attend a seminar, "Creating Happiness, the Sheer Joy of Being Alive." This week we explored the possibility that circumstances do not determine our happiness. Are you kidding?! I need to explore that one a little more, I'm not yet clear on the concept!
At times it feels like I'm forlorn being here in concrete city and living with my overpowering, always complaining, rarely happy mother, and so I think about being unhappy A LOT. Most of my internal conversations are about how miserable I am. It's true, there are many moments of unhappiness but if you listened in on my thinking, you'd think I was deeply despondent and ALWAYS unhappy. Frankly there are many moments in the day when I could actually answer "great" when asked, "How are ya?" Even, elated, or just plain "okay" and not at all as miserable as I tell myself I am. For example, when I'm with my brother, like when we take a jaunt to to pick up Mom's meds in Chinatown, the intriguing dried herbs and unfamiliar foods, the colorful packaging and aromas emminating from all the restaurants, the bakeries of exotic pastries. I'm in a little village thousands of miles away from NYC when I'm in Chinatown. And then there are my frequent walks in this city of diverse architecture. I love walking with my sister, she's uplifting, playing on my words and we have a good time laughing at the littlest of things.
I've come to realize that why I'm so miserable is I'm mouring the good life I had in Sonoma County, the peacefulness, the beauty, the quality of relationships and I'm mourning the loss of my husband who died several years ago. And I spend a lot of time thinking about how unhappy I am! And though I say I don't want to be here in NY, and I can't imagine loving my NY life, when I'm out for a walk, no matter the weather, I feel great, and when I'm with my sister or brother, there is so much love present, that in those moments, I can actually see, maybe this thing we strive for called "happiness" is just a moment to moment thing, and I'm actually in touch with the sheer joy of being alive!
