Sometimes it's frightening to think I'm here, in NY, to stay! I feel as though I'm in a different dimension, not comfortable and can't imagine how I ever will be. A noisy place, with small apartments, stacked one on top of another, people everywhere, I hardly see any greenery. The peace I find when alone is rarely available, people talking on cell phones, cars honking, trucks growling, sirens piercing the already noisy air.
In my new existence here there's so much to do, obligations make the choices for me, like being a mother of many children, I do what's next, pretty much without thinking. My attention is not on myself but on what my mother needs. I'm here to support her.
From time to time I ask myself, "Am I really going to live in New York City? Isn't this just another of my brief family visits? Did I think this through thoroughly? Could I have found another way to make it work? Did I really explore all my options or did I just see a need and jump in, Superwoman to the rescue!?"
But now I am here and the challenge is to have a life with no regrets and to be able to eventually say, "I love my New York life!" Feels like a stretch, but then again I've only been here a few days.
Tonight was another night of not falling asleep, I usually have no difficulty. A cup of Chamomile tea, a trick I learned in espresso drinking France, usually lulls me off to sleep even after caffeine, but tonight I'm restless. Mom's sound asleep. It's a hot night and my attention is drawn to the water dripping outside on the air conditioner, from the air conditioner in the apartment above...drip, drip, drip, hour after hour. So my pillow and I moved into the living room onto the couch, where the dripping wasn't as loud. But now I could clearly hear what was keeping me awake, my own thoughts: "Can I be available for Mom and work? How am I going to find an affordable apartment in this city? Can I find an apartment nearby? How can I find a part-time job with flexible hours? Will she eat my cooking? Will she appreciate my being here? One after another thoughts bombarded me, keeping me so busy until I dozed off from exhaustion.
